it's gotten even worse.

probably because i said those words "it can't get worse" but it did. and it's nothing remotely comparable to last night's situation. sara chroussis died last night. maybe it was when i was crying or maybe it was when i was sleeping. but she isn't here anymore. i feel like i need to call my mom. i feel like i need to talk about it. i don't know. i really don't know what to do. i want to make sure everyone knows, like it's a hot topic in gossip, but this isn't gossip. this... is... i don't know what it is. i don't know how to deal because i've never had to before. i miss her even though i don't feel like she's gone. can i still mention her name? or what if i say the wrong thing? i don't know what to do. this isn't supposed to happen to people like her. she was probably the nicest person and never held a grudge or didn't like anyone. she was always smiling and making jokes. and she hid all her pain really well. i admit, i didn't know her half as well as other people, but it still hurts. she was a good artist. i wish now that i bought that painting i had seen on the wall. i wish that i had some mementos of her. i wish that she was still alive.
hanna and i were talking about things a while back, and she said that even though she was moving away, i still had sara. and i really looked forward to spending time with sara. she was going to graduate next semester, and i suppose wait for chris to get out of school. and it was just going to be happy. but it isn't anymore. this is the worst new years ever.