123 busy bee. alliteration.

2009-02-19T11:44:00.000-08:00

life has changed a lot. ask me sometime, and i'll tell you about it. i'm too busy to blog now and days, but i figured i would... just to let whoever reads this know that i am to busy to write about myself anymore. or maybe i'm just too lazy.

if that's what you're into

2009-01-25T22:22:00.000-08:00

i am in such a good mood. i'm excited and nervous and optimistic, which hasn't happened in a while. i'm somewhat confident, but still slightly insecure, as always. i credit my contentment to sara and flight of the conchords. and this weekend has been good. i'm meeting new people, getting closer to others, and maybe growing up a little. all i need now is a job, which i applied for earlier today (and hopefully i get it because it seems sort of amazing). i need more clothes and pretty things, and a hair cut! sara and i dream big together.

fun

2009-01-24T22:33:00.000-08:00

i forced sara to get a blogger buy agreeing to design the header and color scheme for her new blog. i think it looks pretty good. i know that i could have spent a lot more time on it adjusting the kearning so that it would be more typographically pleasing, but i don't have the appropriate program, nor do i have the patience. i'm very exhausted from doing nothing today... but then again, i did wake up earlier than i expected. i went to bed around 3:30 am, but couldn't get to sleep because i had a flight of the conchords song stuck in my head. when I finally got to sleep, i was awoken what i'm assuming is twenty minutes later to marshall twisting in bed and climbing over me, to get off my side of the bed? he was so drunk, he had no idea what he was doing. he was standing in front of the wall, near my shoes, touching and scratching the wall. i asked him what he was doing and he kept repeating "i have to go to the bathroom" and i said, that's not the bathroom and he started yelling "i really have to go pee." since he has a history of peeing on walls, i was sort of freaking out. i turned the light on and said "marshall that's not the bathroom... it's over there" and i guess it finally registered in his head and he headed to the bathroom. i avoided a catastrophe. i know now that i need a better place for my shoes. i desparately need new clothes, but i still don't have the money. i need new shoes!

redesign

2009-01-23T23:55:00.000-08:00

i spent a short amount of time redesigning my blog. there are still things that i need to improve upon, but i think that generally it's going in the right direction. i don't know why i bother because i'm fairly certain that i'm the only person who looks at my blog. but you know, just in case.

only in my dreams

2009-01-22T16:20:00.000-08:00

i have a list of what i want in a man. more specifically the man that i will marry. and they're pretty outrageous, and i know that i will never get them all, and some are really shallow, but what can I say? If I'm going to dream, I better dream big right?
1. Has the ability to grow a beard and actually grows it.
2. Feeds my shopping addiction by providing me with appropriate funding. (this is shallow, i know, but i loooove shoes)
3. Can't keep a secret. If he can't keep a secret, it'll be easier to trust him because I know that he'll confess to everything.
4. Doesn't mind staying at home and chilling. I'll love him even more if he is as addicted to television as I am.
5. MUST LOVE BOARD GAMES.
6. Makes me mix CDs of good music. Complete with voice tracks, and maybe some of him attempting to sing a song for me.
7. Someone who is fashionable, but not in a metro sort of way. I love clothes and I like a guy who can appreciate style, but only if the style suits him.
8. Someone who will make me laugh a lot. Even when he's not around, I'd like to think about him and laugh.
9. I am more attracted to guys with dark hair and brown eyes. But I'm not going to be super picky. I also like guys that are a little exotic looking.
10. Someone who is slightly shy, insecure, and mysterious. But not in the untrustworthy way, but in the "you seem interesting" way.
11. Someone who is confident in the relationship and knows that he wants to be with me. Puts me above everything else, because that's how I will treat him.
12. Doesn't mind doing stupid little things and going to stupid places with me.
13. Likes the loopy rollercoaster rides, not the ones with the massive drops.
14. Isn't overly religious. I don't care if he believes in God or not, I just don't want to feel pressured to believe in something that I just can't.
15. Is cute.

2009-01-16T22:47:00.000-08:00

what's the point in living? i just wake up day after day stressed about this or that. i do things i don't want to do so i can have a future of doing more stuff that i don't want to do. i sit on my couch, or i sit on my bed. there's no one around to make things reasonable. if i could have it my way, i would just sleep for years until one day i could wake up and do everything right. i wonder if anyone sees me, realizes that i do exist because i feel so tiny and useless. why am i so alone?

pancakes

2009-01-07T23:12:00.000-08:00

the vacation is winding down and i'm dreading the thought of waking before noon. although, i may not be in school for long considering that i have no way to pay for it. [yes, i could rant about my 1.5+ years of unemployment and lack of sufficient funds, but i'm sick of thinking about that]. the worst part about the whole situation is that everyone who lives around here is suddenly leaving. hanna and chris are still out west, nathan is returning to utah tomorrow, robbie left for vcu yesterday, dan is going to wvu, the wvu people are leaving to go back to school. it's going to be me, marshall, craig and chris, oh and mike on occasions, hopefully sara too, but i imagine that she'll spend most of her time with courtney. hopefully i'll make some new friends this semester to fill the void. actually, it doesn't really matter much to me because i have my television.
for the past week everyone has been moderately preparing for the demise of the gang with their departures. we celebrated robbie's new life, yet mourned for the loss at ben's [which was actually pretty fun after i started playing games with caitlyn, will, and zach] and a trip to waffle house, we had a game night at my apartment complete with pepperoni pizza, soda, and lots of games and people, and tonight we went to ihop to say good bye to dan and nathan, who suddenly decided to go back utah without warning.
but the real question is, should i grow my bangs out or cut them?

my b.

2009-01-04T23:13:00.001-08:00

i have no fulfilled any resolutions yet this year. i can't even remember half of them. oooops.

new year

2008-12-31T21:03:00.000-08:00

resolutions 2009
1. start exercising
2. be more independent
3. find a job and dont quit it
4. be a better student
5. eat better foods
6. be more social
7. spend more time outside
8. read more
9. floss every night

once upon a time...

2008-12-26T18:14:00.001-08:00

i'm sick of everything.
the end.

Backwards

2008-12-19T20:45:00.000-08:00

I went to Vermont for a couple days and it was so great!
It had snowed a little, but not nearly as much as Vermont usually gets... but it was still nice to see some snow right before Christmas.
I went shopping and bought a new coat, new hat, and got some new shoes.
I still have to buy Christmas presents though.
I'm going to try not to spend much because I don't have much.

crsh.

2008-12-13T12:57:00.000-08:00

zachary quinto is unbelievably gorgeous.
please, please, please marry me zachary!

watch me sink

2008-12-09T21:22:00.000-08:00

i am moderately agoraphobic.
i am a severe hypochondriac.
i am far too depend.
i am avoidant, anxious, and unprepared.
i am pessimistic.
i am overwhelmed.

i think too much, and i believe that that's the root of my all my problems.

i think i'm sick. but it might just be the hypochondriac in me. but nothing seems to be working right.
i'm addicted to webMD. I've checked and rechecked every symptom I've ever had. And based on webMD, I have determined that I have several diseases. based on my overactive imagination, i have concluded that i have a fatal illness. maybe it's a heart disease, or cancer, or a deadly virus. i don't know for sure. for some reason, i just feel like, something is wrong with me and i won't live as long as i should.
the thing is that i have real symptoms that are borderline questionable, but my mind always goes to the worst possible outcome. yet, i don't think i have the courage to go to the doctor and tell her how i'm feeling because i think that it could all be in my head.
if i even suggest to my mom that there may be something wrong with me, she always says "it's because you don't exercise" which is a legitimate reason... but what if there's something more that just that? what if i have blood cancer or my atrium isn't functioning properly? what if my thyroid isn't working properly? what if there's something wrong and one date it's too late? i don't know if i want to know...

i think

2008-12-05T22:15:00.000-08:00

i think that i am happy, for the most part. yet, life would still be better if i had some money. also, if i had a best friend to hang out with. i'm sick of boys. i miss hanna. i want to have a girl friend so that i'll get off my butt and do stuff... lol. oh well, for now. one of these days i'll find someone though.

cancellation.

2008-11-21T13:17:00.001-08:00

I'm sincerely bothered that some of my favorite tv shows aren't being renewed for another season. Eli Stone, for example. So good. And after this season, it'll be gone. How disappointing. AND so is Pushing Daisies. Well... the good thing is that, the happy conclusion will come sooner... I hope. Like in Pushing Daisies... I want Ned and Charlotte to actually be able to touch each other. Maybe Ned will lose his powers... or something like that. And hopefully Eli and Maggie get together in Eli Stone.
Aaron and I were discussing how disappointed we were last night. But at least we have 10-15 other shows to fall back on to ease the pain a little. TV addict, yes.

yes, again

2008-11-20T18:58:00.000-08:00

I'm not very good at coming up with clever names for titles. I'm not even clever enough to write about something meaningful. But I will write about nothing. I'm going to SC on Sunday for an undetermined amount of time... assuming that Mushul and I don't get into a huge fight before then. I'm really excited to eat some turkey for the first time in 7 years. Or something like that. Oh wait. I had deli turkey. Does that count? It was on a sammich.
I also like pepperoni and I love chicken.
Yay for meat.

updated

2008-11-20T15:19:00.001-08:00

my blog has been officially updated. sorry it's not that great, it's really the best i can do right now... maybe one day it'll be amazing... but not right now.

random and bored

2008-11-18T21:04:00.000-08:00

I always feel the need to blog about things when I realize I have absolutely nothing to say. I also always blog about myself. But then again, I did create this to be an outlet for all my thoughts so that I don't go crazy trying to keep them in. I also have another secret blog that I only confess my deepest and darkest secrets too. Things that I just want to get out but without anyone finding out.
So I suppose I'm single now. Marshall and I decided to break up today, although I'm not sure if we're being serious or if we're just kidding. Either way, I think I'll be fine. Things just seem so different between us now... but I'm in a good mood. There might be some big changes in my life... and I don't know exactly how I'll handle those. I really wish I had a friend to talk to about things... I need some fun in my life. I just don't think I can get up and do it on my own.

Stalking?

2008-11-17T21:30:00.000-08:00

I like to know what people are up to, even if I rarely speak to them. So, if the opportunity arises, I will do my little bits of research... which I suppose can be considered stalking. But it really can't be that since I really just read. I'm not following anyone down dark alleyways, or even confronting a person online. I'm terrible at confrontation. I just wonder sometimes: what have you been up to since I last saw you? or do you ever think about me?
I do wonder if people (other than the obvious) think about me at random moments of the day. Sometimes I'll randomly think about someone. I just wonder if the same thing occurs for other people. Sometimes I'll think about a certain person for quite a while. Longer than normal... more than a fleeting thought. Sometimes I daydream about people. Or what my life would be like if certain semi-strangers were more present in my life. Sometimes I wonder about people and think "would this person want to be a part of my life?" There are moments that I find a complete stranger who seem as though they have something in common with me and I wonder, "could we ever be best friends?"
I live most of my life in my head. If life was simply just fantasy, I think I would have a fairly fantastic life. But that's just obvious. If my fantasies could come true, my life would be very different, to say the least. I'd most likely have a lot of money and an excessive amount of clothes. I'd probably have the greatest friends and love life. Unfortunately, that's not what life is, so I try and make the most of it.
I wonder if people actually read my journal.
I really just keep it as a record to myself.
I'm sure that other people say the same thing to themselves,
but if I know you and you have one (and there's a possibility that I know it exists) I've probably read it.
I probably know more about you than you think I do.
But I'll never let you know what secrets of yours I've gathered.
I'll just merrily smile while talking to you, because only I know the things that I know...

HAHAHA

2008-11-09T14:33:00.000-08:00

Why am I so tired?
Why do I procrastinate so much?
Why do I really want to watch Desperate Housewives and skip everything that I need to do?
Bad Lisa, Bad.

Oh, also I'm thinking about changing my name: Kate Lee.
I feel more like a Kate than a Lisa and I'm trying to bring my Asian-ness to the next level, therefore... my new last name will be Lee, my mother's maiden name. Well, technically her maiden name is E.

"we won't let go like you motherfuckers"

2008-11-01T14:17:00.001-07:00

mood: proud
song: "to us fools" have heart

I had a revelation. I am better than most people. And of course that makes me feel better. I don't need anyone to make me a better person, because I'm already a better person.
So bad things have happened lately, and I'm getting tired of it.
I'm not going to let it ruin me.
So what happens, happens.
At least, I'll have my pride in the end.

2008-11-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

I need a friend. now .

down with the ship

2008-10-18T20:35:00.000-07:00

mood: nervous-excited
music: "down with the ship" by the Damnwells
status: bored as hell

i'm nervous-excited about life. i call it nervous-excited because i can never tell the difference between the two of them. my tummy hurts from all the emotion. i find myself falling in love with things. it's weird. i think i'm just lonely. i get too excited when someone talks to me or if i listen to a song, or see a picture, or watch a movie. something to keep my mind off things.
sometimes i think, and i wish, that i had a curable illness. not like the cold, but something more severe and almost lethal. i don't necessarily want to die, i just want something to make me want to live.

Keith

2008-10-05T10:10:00.000-07:00

I just watched a movie and I cried a lot. It was predictable, but still sad. Sigh.

tonight

2008-10-04T19:38:00.000-07:00

i absolutely love marshall. i think he gets cuter everytime i look at him. i love the way he loves me and takes care of me. i adore the way he looks at me... he tells me i'm beautiful when i first wake up and i know that i have to look positively unattractive at that very moment. i love how he laughs at the stupid little things i say. he has the cutest laugh. i love, love, love watching funny movies with him so i can listen to his laugh... it melts my heart. i love how he'll get cranky but all i have to do is rub his back and his worries magically disappear. i love the way his arms feel around my body when he gives me hugs. or how his lips feel when he kisses me on the forehead. there are so many things i love about him. i just don't want to be without him for another minute of another day.

:D

2008-10-03T12:39:00.001-07:00

i'm happy

New

2008-09-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

New haircut [actually just a bang cut] and new clothes [which i haven't received yet]. i look the same, but a little different. it's an interesting look, i think.
the good thing about my bangs is that i can style them anyway i want... the bad thing is that they're a little long and i have some weird areas... but i just push those parts behind my ears. overall, pleased.
now all i need it is to buy some shoes and more new clothes and i'll be good to go. also, i'm still in the process of making my apartment look good. and by my apartment, it'll really only be my living room.

oh, and i finally went out for the first time in weeks. saturday i went to the outlets with marshall and dan where i got 4 new shirts. and then i went to dinner with robert, dan and aaron. dinner was yumz.

i'm a quiz addict

2008-09-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

so here's one i found. i like the ones that use your iTunes shuffle.

How am I feeling today?
coheed and cambria|the suffering

Will I get far in life?
elliott smith|between the bars

How do my friends see me?
matt pond pa|lily two

Where will I get Married?
city and colour|off by heart

What is my best friend's theme song?
four hundred years|transmit failure

What is the story of my life?
cursive|the lament of pretty baby

What is/was highschool like?
chain of strength|hurts to ask

How can I get ahead in life?
drowning pool|let the bodies hit the floor

What is the best thing about me?
bright eyes|arienette

How is today going to be?
chain of strength|betray

What is in store for this weekend?
true till death|just how much?

What song describes my parents?
with honor|with the wind

To describe my grandparents?
kevin devine|guys with record collections

How is my life going?
agnostic front|jailbreak

What song will they play at my funeral?
slipknot|liberate

How does the world see me?
rick ross|the boss

Will I have a happy life?
wisdom in chains|smash your face

What do my friends really think of me?
grimlock|revolution

Do people secretly lust after me?
against me!|unprotected sex with multiple partners

How can I make myself happy?
alkaline trio|hell yes

What should I do with my life?
kevin devine|a flatline blur

Will I ever have children?
bright eyes|make war

What is some good advice for me?
crystal castles|bitter hearts

How will I be remembered?
rites of spring|drink deep

What is my signature dancing song?
cro-mags|eyes of tomorrow

What do I think my current theme song is?
indian summer|untitled

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
blacklisted|always

What type of men/women do you like?
iron and wine|promise that you will

Glasses

2008-09-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

I got new glasses. Freaking Prada. I love them.

typographer

2008-08-31T19:05:00.000-07:00

the typographer project for typography I. we had to chose a famous typographer and a typeface he/she designed to research and create a poster based on this typographer and typeface.

the typographer project for typography I. we had to chose a famous typographer and a typeface he/she designed to research and create a poster based on this typographer and typeface.

mellow moods logo

2008-08-31T18:42:00.000-07:00

this was our final assignment for digital studio I, spring semester 2008. we were assigned to create a logo for a local business. i chose mellow moods, a smoothie, juice, and sandwich shop in shepherdstown, wv.

these first four designs show the spine, cover, title page, and the adjectives sheet for my design. i can't recall the typeface i used, though. in the assignment we had to create an adjectives sheet describing the business that we had selected.

the next three designs are the typographical logos that we were assigned to create.

these three were the graphical logos that i created for mellow moods.

and finally the final logo combining the graphical and typographical logos as well as the business card that we had to create.

i'm thinking

2008-08-31T18:39:00.000-07:00

that i'm going to start posting more random pictures that i like... and i'll definitely upload more designs, if i can find any. my portfolio from last year is gone. so whatever i have on my computer will be uploaded.

i love

2008-08-31T18:21:00.001-07:00

graphic design.

Inspiration

2008-08-30T01:00:00.002-07:00

our first project of the semester was the "Inspiration" project. we had to create a poster based on an objectthat inspired our work as graphic designers. i brought my pink tutu and a finger puppet monkey because i said felt that these items inspired me to brink so playfulness into my work. i like having fun when i do graphic design because it's something that i do like to do. so when you see my work, i feel as though it should represent the amount of fun i had creating the work. i want the viewer to be inspired by the playfulness in my work.

armed with a mind

2008-08-30T01:00:00.001-07:00

earlier tonight marshall and craig got completely obliterated. they started off with "long island ice teas" which alone is enough alcohol to get them drunk. but they drank a couple and then finished the night off with several beers, which they had at adam's. i drove them to adam's at about one am and they seemed pretty alright. craig was definitely almost there and but it seemed as though marshall had just started getting a little drunk. by about 2am craig looked like hell. he sat on adam's stoop with me and i could tell that he was trashed. i went inside to get marshall, who was playing flip cup with full cups of beer, so that we could leave. craig kept insisting that he was okay, but a few minutes later he stumbled to the back of the house and puked. Meanwhile, Marshall was peeing on the side of the house. marshall still seemed okay enough. about 10 minutes after we left, marshall and craig both asked me to pull over so they could throw up. i stopped at sheetz on the way back to pick up some water and plastic bags for the two of them, who, at the time, were vomiting in the parking lot. i had to stop one last time before we got home so they could throw up.
somehow between adam's and the apartment marshall became severely drunk. when i came inside from the car, i changed into my pajamas to get ready for bed. i heard noises in the bathroom and thinking it was marshall, i knocked. but it was craig... marshall was still out in the car, confused as to where he was. anyway, marshall kept puking, i stayed up and still am up because i have to make sure he's okay.
the whole point of this is that i wanted to say that i'm glad i stopped drinking when i did. i know i got sick, but i never got this sick. and i think it's stupid that people do things like this to themselves, but they do and i can't stop them. but maybe this taught them a lesson?

bike. ipod. smiles.

2008-08-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

i really think this has been one of the better weeks in a long time. new bike, new ipod, new flash drive, new music, new song to get stuck in my head. oh and classes of course. i can't tell if this will be a good semester yet. but i'm looking forward to doing some design. i want to start taking more pictures to record everyday happenings. so expect more pictures.

fashion me!

2008-08-16T21:47:00.000-07:00

so lately all i've been wanting to do is buy a ton of really cool clothes. no money. i want a 220 dollar purse, some expensive boots, lots of dresses, sweaters, vests, etc etc. please give me money. PLEASE.
school starts. ugh. i can't wait to retire. but fortunately for me, the hills starts again on monday and a little later the fall season for tv shows begin!
also, i want a job selling cell phones. i love phones.

love,
lisa.

315

2008-08-06T10:06:00.001-07:00

Why is it that everything in my apartment smells like vomit and/or ass?

I miss having GOOD friends. People that I could trust... People who were honest, reliable, sincere, and genuine. People who were happy being "so un-cool." I miss Billy, Maggie, Hill, and Tim. Or at least the friendships I had with them when I was in high school... things have changed since then and I barely know them now. I miss Jane, Janet, Brooke, John and Andy... or at least the friendships I had with them fall semester of freshman year. I've barely talked to them since I left.

... I'm not going to pretend to be a friend if you haven't even tried to be mine. I can live without being FAKE even if it means that everyone hates me for it. I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I pretend to be. And that's how its going to be.

whiter teeth

2008-07-03T10:59:00.000-07:00

i'm in this mood to do some self improvement. i actually floss my teeth now... at least ONCE a day. A lot of things changed recently, and well, I feel like maybe I can do some changing as well. Whiter teeth? Lose some weight? Maybe start exercising one of these days? I need to tan. I'm so damn white.

the strangest things

2008-06-16T17:29:00.001-07:00

while most people would be going insane if they were me, i found that i do quite well amidst the chaos. i am more happy now than i remembering being before. i feel freer now than i have ever before. i feel more grown up, more responsible, more intelligent, and all around a better person. and i can't help but think that its because of what has happened in the past month.
i don't regret a single thing that has happened and i wouldn't change a thing in my life. i am absolutely content/excited/overjoyed about my life. okay, i wish i had a job so that i could appreciate my free time more. but that's it.

i hope that nothing changes, even though i know it will... but maybe things will just keep getting better and better for me.

i'm a good person

2008-06-10T01:58:00.001-07:00

drama comes and drama goes. I'm really good at forgiving. I think thats the reason I'm on this planet.

i'm sick

2008-06-08T13:06:00.001-07:00

there is so much drama, i hate it. i wonder sometimes who i've become and how it happened. i miss the friends that i used to have. senior year, well the latter half, was so much more pleasant than the past two years. and what's worse is that i don't think i can escape this little world of mine.
it's hard not having friends to trust. so what do i do? i am equally untrustworthy. i can't believe a single word that almost anyone says as sincere. and it has completely changed who i am. i was never like this. i miss the friends that brought out the good in me, not the bad.
i know, i can't completely blame everyone else. its my fault.
i miss my friends in Clarke County. I miss my friends from VCU.
now, sadly, some of my friends I couldn't care less about. i feel used by them, so what's the point?

who do i trust? i used to be so trusting, and where has it brought me?
i need new friends.

lost ipod

2008-05-28T14:38:00.001-07:00

which i desperately need due to the content of the hard drive. all the work i did for the past semester is contained on it and i need it to get my degree... and now its gone.

maybe i'll catch fire

2008-05-23T18:21:00.000-07:00

newton's second law, every action has a equal and opposite reaction. every time things go well, something has to go wrong. something has to ruin it all.

you have stolen my heart

2008-05-22T22:20:00.000-07:00

marshall is really cute. the other day we were watching the bachelorette and he hit me with a pillow because he was so excited to watch it. now he keeps asking if its on. he's cute. i got him a new phone yesterday too. he was, and still is, very excited about it. he keeps texting everyone. now i'm out of money and in desperate need for some more so i can 1. get a new apartment 2. get new furniture 3. get new clothes 4. pay for school. i've been looking for a job, but no hope so far. maybe the near future.

right now i'm listening to an AMP sampler (my iTunes is on shuffle) and I can't help but think of trisha... and how we used to collect them and then we would sing the songs on the mountain club bus. we used to do a lot of fun stuff on that bus. i miss stupid fun like that... i spend all my money to have fun now...

Sick?

2008-05-15T11:26:00.000-07:00

I've had this lifelong fear that I'm about to die. Maybe I have some form of cancer or disease that the doctors overlooked. Maybe I have a heart condition that no one really thought about... Something along those lines.
And now i feel like it's progressing. I always feel sick...
but then again, I may be a hypochondriac. If I think I'm a hypochondriac does that make me one?
Or maybe i'm depressed.
I just feel like there's something wrong with me and I'm not sure what it is...

ugh

2008-05-15T09:01:00.000-07:00

people use other people too much. i realized recently that i really hate some people. this is the first time in my life that i've honestly hated being around someone so much that the very thought of it makes me angry.
who does he think he is?
well, he doesn't matter to me but he's my boyfriend's best friend. so i'm stuck with him.
its time for me to kick up the fun and subtract that guy from my life

Lisa=Fun²-Robbie

Math is amazing. Unless it's in a math class, then it's not so great. I need to figure out who i am...

okay so

2008-05-09T19:39:00.000-07:00

since i posted last, which I do believe was yesterday, i have done the following:
broke up with marshall
started a new life

okay not that eventful, but it was only a day and one post.
i wonder what's next in my life...

I feel like...

2008-05-08T10:21:00.001-07:00

I have no one to talk to. I don't have a person that I just talk to and know that they'll keep my secrets. Someone that can help me come to conclusions... someone that will always be there for me.
I don't know who to talk to...
I don't know who to trust.

I need someone who is mine. Someone who shares secrets with me and I can share them back.
But I'm a possessive person. I don't like to share. And I guess that makes it hard for people to want to be my friend. I'm too demanding. I expect way too much out of people. And I'm doomed to be disappointed.

I have so much to say right now, but no one to talk to...
I feel alone even though I know I'm not...
I feel that people who are my friends are either: 1. untrustworthy or 2. don't especially like me

I miss the good ol' times... back in high school... I think the happiest I ever was with Becky and Matt, just goofing off... I miss those times.
Or maybe with Collin driving around to no real destination.
Or at VCU, just doing things with my friends.

I'm stuck in a rut, I can't get out.
And I think I'm going to do something to change these things.
But... it's something life changing.
And its not going to be nice or fun.
I just need to do it for my sake, for his sake, for everyone's sake.
I need a lifestyle change... and well no one except me can change it.

i love

2008-05-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

unattainable objects. oh the misery that reality brings! if only this world was less real...

why am i up so late?

2008-05-02T01:49:00.000-07:00

well, tomorrow is the last day of classes before exams.
i have a project due that I procrastinated on until midnight, so I was up for the past four-five hours working on it.
now i simply will not get enough sleep for tomorrow.
and in addition, where is marshall?
he was supposed to be home by 3 and... two hours later... still not home.

i'm hungry, but only because i should be sleeping.
i'm listening to some weird instrumental stuff from a member of indian summer.
i love indian summer.

time to sleep? or at least try.
i hope to see you soon.

mac and cheese

2008-04-19T17:44:00.000-07:00

i'm making mac and cheese right now. the milk says its okay until may 8, but i've had it for a month... so that makes me question it a little.
today was an off day. i went to an interview, but decided not to get interviewed because the position i wanted wasn't available. i came home spent time with marshall before he went to work... then spent the rest of the day alone. it's not fun.

tonight

2008-04-18T21:28:00.001-07:00

tonight was quite neutral in my mind.
i had a lot of fun earlier in the evening when trisha, nathan, sara, hanna and i all went to the monument and told scary stories and laughed about zombies attacking shepherdstown.
but when we got back it was pretty boring because everyone was drunk and we couldn't do anything because mikey was going to sleep and we couldn't make noise.

oh, trisha. i still have your lighter, you might need it when zombies attack... don't worry, i'll keep it away from nathan until its back in your hands again.

designer

2008-04-16T10:52:00.001-07:00

I found that I have an addiction to designer stuff, but sunglasses in particular... andmore specifically dolce and gabbana. it's a rather unhealthy addiction considering designer wear is fairly expensive and I don't have a job... oops!
anyway, i bought myself white dolce and gabbana sunglasses. they're sexy. and i want mooooore.

so...

2008-04-10T14:24:00.000-07:00

how cool do i look with a mustache?
yeah, i know, pretty damn sweet.

another post today, i'm really racking them up

2008-04-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish...
that I had a best friend that I could just talk to hang out with.
I wish that I was this person's best friend in return.
I know, I have Marshall... but sometimes I just want a best friend that isn't Marshall.

I don't have anyone like that because everyone I know has another best friend already.
Amanda is my best friend. But she's my sister, and sometimes I feel like that doesn't count. Plus she's infinity miles away and I can't really hang out with her. I like to think of Hanna Petersen as a best friend sometimes. But, she already has tons of friends... and even though we hang out a lot, we don't hang out A LOT.

Everyone seems to have their own thing. I don't. Sometimes I feel plain and not special. In my mind, I have a grandiose life... I'm what the world revolves around. Like the other day I heard a snippet of a conversation between this boy and girl. He said something about "sexiest girl in Shepherdstown" and for some reason I automatically assumed that he was talking about me. After I had picked up Sara, as we were in the car going to Nutters, I saw the guy with the girl again and it seemed that he stared at me a little too long... anyway. it wasn't like he was attractive or anything. and it's most likely my imagination, but instances like these just make me feel a little better about myself.
I remember what I used to be like. I wish I was still like that. I used to be nice and smart and funny. Now I'm mean and dumb... and I'm the only person who laughs at my jokes. But for some reason I can't bring myself to be the person that I want to be.

It just seems like my life isn't what I want it to be. But then again, who's life is?

wedding

2008-04-03T09:45:00.001-07:00

in my free time, i plan my wedding even though it will not happen for at least two more years. i just like to be prepared..

<bgsound src="http://www.musicuploader.org/MUSIC/1730571207241032.mp3">

bright eyes "first day of my life"
--it's such a pretty song.

But things change, so maybe in two years, I'll find a cuter song... but right now, this is going to be it.

McDreamy?

2008-03-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

Today I had a very interesting conversation with Courtney. Like most girls and women, we started talking about men. We, as women, create our idealistic man, our... Prince Charming. And though most of us realize that such a man does not exist, we still carry that ounce of hope in our hearts until the day we die. Because we know such a man exists, we settle for... what does exist. We pick and choose the most important qualities for the "man of our dreams"-- maybe he has a excellent sense of humor, or a powerful sense of responsibility, and we build this list and then, we date. In actuality, we find no man will fit all of the qualities we look for, and its rare when a man even has half of the qualities. And people will say "oh, you're setting your standards too high" but in response I say, "are we?"
Typically in nature, you find that males of a particular specie will try to woo the female of the same specie... and usually the odds are in favor of the females... thus the females can choose the mate that she sees fit. Okay there's the fact that most animals are not monogamous, yet, we as humans typically are. But considering that there are more men in this world than there are women, shouldn't there be a little bit of competition to retain a wife? Ah, now you see, that there is a sort of competition, but... when it comes down to it, men are deceitful, men are liars... men will do what they need to do to get what they want. Take Machivelli for example, in The Prince Machivelli says "the end justifies the means," of course he was talking politics, but if you really think about it, this is the code that men live by. This means that a guy will do whatever it takes to make you his--he will lie about himself to you until you've fallen right into his trap and its too late to leave. You may think, "men aren't smart enough to do something like that," but no matter how dumb they pretend to be, do not think for a second that they will not do what it takes to ensure the survival of his genes.
We're not all going to become lesbians though... because, honestly, women need men for the same reasons that men need women, among a few others. I can't even blame men for being who they are... Women, over time have given up their grandiose dreams of marriage to settle... and this settling has evolved men into who they are today. Gentlemen? Chivalrous? Far from it. It's a man's world, to be honest. But it doesn't have to be... women do not need to feel vulnerable, after all, we have what men want more than power, money or fame... we have sex. We carry the future, we are mothers. Do we need men? Yes, but we don't need to show it. Men want what they can't have... so if we stop acting so needy, you know what will happen? We're going to get what we want...

Okay?

2008-02-28T21:33:00.000-08:00

I spent a lot of today playing with this race generator that I found online. It was so much fun. I even skipped class so I could keep playing with it. Then I kept putting different people in the generator... and laughed at the outcome.

Marshall's eating now, and there's some girl singing on Jay Leno... she's pretty, but weird. Plus the music is weird. It reminds me of the 60s. So does she.

I got my new blackberry. I can say that I love, love, love it. I just wish that people emailed me constantly though.

What else? Oh! What I came to talk about. Haha. Anyway... so I got a call from Amanda, which is way out of the ordinary considering she doesn't even have her cell phone...she left a voicemail but i couldn't understand what was said and an email telling me that she was said. I got online to see if she was on, but she wasn't so I checked her myspace. She deleted all her friends... except for me and dad. I don't know what's up. I wish I did. I wish I could call her, but I don't know where to call her, since she doesn't have a cell phone right now. I'm worried.

hardcore

2008-02-23T11:31:00.000-08:00

as i was riding with robbie, mike, marshall, and dan back from jumbo buffet last night I realized that I hang out with guys a lot. robbz was playing hardcore music as normal... and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I believe it was Blood for Blood. And this is real hardcore. I imagined myself at a hardcore show... but of course I'm probably the only girl that looks like me who likes hardcore. And not... all the scenecore the world is filled with these days. Of course. I know I'm utterly oblivious to most hardcore... but I do like the stuff that I hear.

I cut my bangs. I like them a lot because I can see now and they actually function as bangs instead of me trying to tuck them some place so I can see what I'm looking at.

I also lost my favorite shirt. I'm really upset. I only wear 3 shirts, so when I lose when, it's pretty significant. I need to go shopping soon. I've been looking online and I see soooo many things that I want. New shoes, new shorts, new shirts, etc.

If anyone wants to buy me anything... please do. Or send me some money to let me buy clothes. Or give me a job that pays well so I can buy myself some clothes. I don't really care as long as the outcome is me wearing new clothes.

Marshall works today. What am I going to do?
Also. I got a new phone. It comes in on Monday. I'm a proud owner of a Blackberry. So everyone should email me a lot when I get it set up, okay?

Ouch

2008-02-09T16:18:00.000-08:00

I have an ear infection. Babies are NOT the only people that get them, apparently. Unless I'm a baby. Anyway. I'm on antibiotics to get better. I'm exhausted from the lack of sleep I got last night because my ear hurt... and yet. I can't fall asleep. What's my problem? I'm going to watch some Lost, i think.

i'm sick

2008-02-02T16:41:00.000-08:00

i'm sick. and cold. and watching movies that don't load fast enough so I'm going between movies. I'm about half done with each and waiting for them to load more. I have no tissues. and I just ate a bowl of mac and cheese.
I'm all alone in my house. it sort of feels nice though. i don't have to deal with deer meat from mikey or marin's relentless b*tching. i can just do what i want to do... and a little. I also have to mention that I think that Jason Biggs is pretty hot. The other night I had a sad and strange dream.

I can't remember details but I remember that there was an ice storm and all my classes were canceled. I was with other people and we were driving through campus and all of a sudden we spotted Sara Chroussis. She had come back to life! Everyone was really happy to see her. And we asked her what death was like. And she told us she went to hell. And everyone was shocked because Sara was faithful and caring, and the best person that anyone has ever met. And she told us why, but it seemed so trivial... it was related to pride, but wasn't even that bad. I can't exactly remember what it was. But it made me start thinking of what would happen to me if Sara Chroussis didn't even get into Heaven. I'm not as good of a person as she was. But the good thing is that I KNOW that Sara is in Heaven, if such a place does exist. She set the bar for the rest of humanity. I really miss her a lot. I wish she was around still.

today

2008-01-26T12:53:00.000-08:00

today i want to make smoothies.
i want to look at cute puppies
and smile a lot.
i love to laugh, so i plan on doing that today too.
i don't know what else.
probably eat some food, as always.

chris goodell

2008-01-21T20:02:00.000-08:00

is a cool guy. he's been around quite a bit lately, but i thoroughly enjoy it. and you can't possible get annoyed or upset at him because he has a ferocious beard. Everyone loves Chris Goodell. I hope he sleeps over again... he's looks like a cuddly little black bear when he's sleeping... it's cute.
I have to wake up at 7:30 to go to my typography class tomorrow. I have to shower. I'm so gross and dirty. Oh well!

debate

2008-01-18T15:18:00.000-08:00

why does it seem that there's always nothing to do? maybe because i live in a little town or because i never really like to do stuff. i have no idea. well, it seems as though i've run into this problem several times. i want to make smoothies really badly. that's all i know.
I haven't had a smoothie in forever. Unfortunately I do not have a blender. I wish I did though. There has to be something to do, right? Well, does anyone have any suggestions?
Typically I'd say "movie night" but I've had movie nights so many times. Maybe I spend too much time with my friends as it is... and that's why every things I do seems trite.
Game night?
We need games. All I have is clue... unless... I can look up some cool games.

duh

2008-01-17T10:37:00.000-08:00

You Are An ISFP

The Artist

You are a gifted artist or musician (though your talents may be dormant right now).
You enjoy spending your free time in nature, and you are good with animals and children.
Simply put, you enjoy beauty in all its forms and live for the simple pleasures in life.
Gentle, sensitive, and compassionate - you are good at recognizing people's unspoken needs.

In love, you are quiet and sweet yet very passionate. You love easily.
You have an underlying love for all living things, and it's easy for you to accept someone into your heart.

At work, you do best in an unconventional position. You express yourself well and can work with almost anyone.
You would make a good veterinarian, pediatrician, or composer.

How you see yourself: Sympathetic, kind, and communicative

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Incompetent, insecure, and overly sensitive

What's Your Personality Type?

snow angels

2008-01-17T10:10:00.000-08:00

it seems as though winter weather has finally hit Shepherdstown. Once again, I will not attend class, partly due to my lack of enthusiasm for the class, but most likely because I actually do fear getting into an accident. Ever since I accidentally backed my car into a stone wall and scraped the paint of the bumper, I've been weary of driving my poor little Kia. And knowing the road conditions and my parallel parking skills, I will most likely scrape my bumper again, if not hit another vehicle. I emailed my teacher and she okayed my absence, so no class for me today. Also, I don't know if I want to go to Costco for the same reason. everything else is okay in my world.

Thinking...

2008-01-14T12:45:00.000-08:00

I've been contemplating a break up. It might have just come to this. When I feel bad, he makes me feel worse. And I don't want this to persist. I'm tired of crying over something stupid. I'm afraid to end it though. But if I try, maybe he'll change... or I'll just go running back. How would it work out being apart... seeing that we live in the same house? Do I move out? Or maybe he'll move away. If I move out, all my stuff goes with me. If I leave... he owes me a grand. This house will be empty. And I'll have my revenge. But how will I feel? I can't think right now, at least not seriously. I just contemplate on what could make me feel better. I'll take all my stuff, all that belongs to me... lock them in my room and say "there you can't use any of my stuff" to mikey. what would he do? well, probably go buy stuff... have fun with that... or kick me out?!? oh, no! sike. he couldn't even kick me out. i pay the bills, I'll clean up my messes... but I won't share my stuff. Coincidentally... everything is mine. Even the bed he sleeps on. I wish I could just move out... find someplace... and take all that is mine. Because... I can... because no one can tell me what to do and what not to do.
I can be a bitch. Believe me. I know everyone's weaknesses... I can say the meanest things that you have ever heard... but I don't. I could tell Mikey that I find him bland at best, he has little personality, he's an asshole, and he's not attractive enough to make those qualities okay... I could say "No wonder why your ex girlfriend cheated on you." I could say those things. I know how to break hearts. I have the power to make anyone miserable... but I rarely let that happen. I have the decency to do so. But one of these days, I'm just going to say it...

No thanks.

2008-01-09T20:08:00.000-08:00

School starts tomorrow. Ew. I hate going to classes. I like... not going to classes. And I have to wake up at 7. Yuck. So it's almost bedtime for me. Things have been a lot better lately. Chris is smiling and laughing again, even though there are times that make him think about Sara and make him cry. But he's getting better and so is everyone else.
After the funeral I decided that I want to have a plan just in case I die. How people should act and what not... like I decided that at my funeral I want everyone to sing "Be With You" by Enrique Iglesias because it's completely perfect for the situation and it's my theme song. I want people to not dress in black... but in something crazy. And I want people to laugh at all the good times that I've had with them instead of being sad the entire time. Maybe Dave Chappell could speak or something. I don't know exactly what. Also, I would like someone to feed me cake. Or... stick some meat in my mouth because I might as well since I'll be dead. Like I said, I don't have it all figured out. But I don't want it to be church-y. Because I'm not church-y. I want it to be about me and the people that I loved.
If you're lucky and you're nice to me while I'm alive, I might put you in the VIP section at my funeral.

it's gotten even worse.

2008-01-01T10:59:00.001-08:00

probably because i said those words "it can't get worse" but it did. and it's nothing remotely comparable to last night's situation. sara chroussis died last night. maybe it was when i was crying or maybe it was when i was sleeping. but she isn't here anymore. i feel like i need to call my mom. i feel like i need to talk about it. i don't know. i really don't know what to do. i want to make sure everyone knows, like it's a hot topic in gossip, but this isn't gossip. this... is... i don't know what it is. i don't know how to deal because i've never had to before. i miss her even though i don't feel like she's gone. can i still mention her name? or what if i say the wrong thing? i don't know what to do. this isn't supposed to happen to people like her. she was probably the nicest person and never held a grudge or didn't like anyone. she was always smiling and making jokes. and she hid all her pain really well. i admit, i didn't know her half as well as other people, but it still hurts. she was a good artist. i wish now that i bought that painting i had seen on the wall. i wish that i had some mementos of her. i wish that she was still alive.
hanna and i were talking about things a while back, and she said that even though she was moving away, i still had sara. and i really looked forward to spending time with sara. she was going to graduate next semester, and i suppose wait for chris to get out of school. and it was just going to be happy. but it isn't anymore. this is the worst new years ever.

new years blues

2007-12-31T23:25:00.000-08:00

so this new years wasn't very great. i was supposed to go to a masquerade, one which all my friends were attending. I even went to Berryville to get my prom dress to wear to the masquerade. I showered, put make up on... and it was probably the best make-up job I've ever done too, fixed my hair... and waited. Then waited some more. It was already well after 8:00, probably close to 9. Marshall should have been home around 6. And he was no where to be found. I called continuously hoping that he'd pick up, but he never did. He finally called me at 11:30. An hour and a half after the party had started to tell me that he had worked a double shift. I was really pissed off. So I washed all my make up off, brushed my teeth, and tried to go to sleep. But I couldn't sleep because I kept crying. So instead of bringing in the New Years surrounded by friends, I was all alone. Instead of counting down and shouting, I was sobbing into my pillow. And instead of being happy, I was sad and mad. This was probably the worst New Years I've ever had.
All Marshall had to do was to call me and let me know he was working a double shift before he started his second shift. That's all. I would have gotten a ride to the party with my friends and then I would have had a good night/New Years. Now, Marshall's sleeping downstairs on the couch because I told him that in order for me to forgive him and give him a kiss, he'd have to go clean the hamster cages right then. And he kept refusing. But it's not even like I would have made him if he at least pretended like he was going to. I would have said "you know what Marshall, you can do that later..." but unfortunately for him, that's not how things worked out. He didn't seem sorry enough to do anything to make it up to me... which is what people normally do and say. He treated the whole situation like a joke. HA.
Did I mention he broke his phone in half? Yeah, that's how grown ups handle their anger.
So hopefully the rest of the year doesn't suck as much at the first couple of hours. It can't get much worse can it? Well it can, but I feel like I've already had enough to last me through the year. I don't know if Marshall will even be able to wake up in time for work. That will probably suck for him if he doesn't. But it's not my fault.

annual resolutions

2007-12-29T21:13:00.000-08:00

it's come to be that time of year where everyone reflects on what has happened in the past twelve months. We think "what do i regret?" and "what made me happy?" and "how can i make next year better?" and every year we realize we never kept up with last years resolutions. So why bother? Honestly, I'm just creating mine because I'm incredibly bored... I can't even remember the resolutions I came up with last year, but I'm sure they're probably very similar to the ones I'll create this year. Want to know why? Because I know I haven't changed. So here I go:

Be nicer. [it's really that simple. sometimes i'm mean. so why not be nicer?]
Spend more time with my family [i just feel bad that they don't get to see cute little me as much as they used to]
Get a job. [oops, still unemployed. please help me get some money]
Try harder at school. [so i've been slacking off a lot lately]
Rely on Marshall less. [he does everything for me, so maybe he deserves a little break]
Be more active. [i'm so lazy that just walking to the kitchen will make me more active]
Save Money [i spend all my money on food and stuff, i need to start saving more and spending less]
Make a new friend [everyone should meet at least one new person each year]
Spend time with my friends [it's a must. i'm trying to get back into the swing of things]
Give more hugs [everyone needs hugs sometimes]

And that completes my annual list of things I hope to achieve in the upcoming year. I really hope that 2008 is a good year. This time next year, I won't be a teenager anymore, so I might have some growing up to do. But mainly I hope to avoid any sort of apocalypse and survive with me and marshall, all of my family, and all of my friends in tact. No broken hearts, no big fights, just happiness and...

Post-Christmas Thought Process

2007-12-26T14:28:00.000-08:00

Christmas was actually better than I expected. Although, I didn't get the one thing that I wished for. Or two things that I wished for. Tuition for next semester and Rockband. But who cares?

I'm back in love with Alkaline Trio. Not that I stopped loving them. It's just I've been so occupied with either not listening to music because everything I hear makes me angry or trying to find bands that don't make a me pissed off that I forgot about Alkaline Trio and how happy the music makes me. I get excited listening to them. I'm listening to Remains,which has a ton of songs that have been around for a while but aren't on any of their EPs.

I'm also addicted to stupid Shockwave Games... like Plant Tycoon. But I swear I'm stopping now. I'm going to kill all of my plants... or sell them. Probably sell them.

I'm too excited right now. Alkaline Trioooo! So happy. If they make any more crappy Crimson-esque music I'll be very disappointed. Except I don't mind Mercy Me and Time to Waste that much. But the rest of the album is too Hot Topic.

Marshall's giving me looks. I wonder if I'm playing the music too loud. Hmph.

so far so good

2007-12-19T14:57:00.001-08:00

I've been on break for less than a week. But it's been so great so far. The second Marin stepped out of the house, I've been having a blast. Unfortunately, she's going to be coming back and we can't evict her because she got the rent into us. I'm actually disappointed.

I'm having my first party at this house. Hopefully it will be fun. I spent money on food today. I have to stop myself from eating it.

The reason why I'm posting is because I just read Amanda's blog, and I realized that I haven't posted in mine in quite a while. Even though I don't really have much to say.

Oh! I have to get Amanda a sewing machine. If I can find one...

Marshall's watching The Dreamers now. Artsy porno. I think that's why he's watching it. But after that, when Mike gets home, we're going to watch Superbad. Even though I've seen that already too.

Party Party Party.

I love Christmas.

There was something else I was going to say. But I forgot.

no more school

2007-12-14T11:40:00.000-08:00

school is finally over as of yesterday. i turned in my last exam, and guess what... I got an A!
I'm really starting to get into thing graphic design thing. I wasn't sure how good I'd be at it at first because I really have no previous experience with it. But surprisingly, I've done quite well and I can't wait to pursue it further. I'm also starting my first semester as a Marketing and Graphic Design double major. I don't know if I'll like business, let's just hope so.
Next semester, I'm also taking Fitness for Life. Frankly, so far, I have not even attempted to work out since... PE in tenth grade. So I get to see how that goes. But the good news is that I get to take a math class, YESSSS! Back to what I'm good at, right? Okay, I'm not great, but good enough. But I'm NOT looking forward to next semester. I'm going to make my break last as long as possible. :D

on a lighter note

2007-12-12T22:35:00.001-08:00

i am officially much happier.
i'm not mad.
and i've had a little chat with marshall.
so all is well in the world.

marshall is sleeping like a little baby, he is so cute. but he still hasn't finished his graphic design final yet. [i have!!!]

so the other day, i went to my english final, and she gave us back our essays. i was expecting to get a C or a D, but surprisingly i got an A+. for some reason unknown to me, i wrote a "good" paper. [i'm still convinced that i do not deserve an A+]

anyway, the last exam i have is tomorrow at 12... and i have nothing to panic about. no studying. my project is done... and i think i may post it here to show everyone.

Although, After uploading it... the coloring is terrible and I mean AWFUL on this site. but at least it shows the basics.

I think...

2007-12-11T20:15:00.000-08:00

this might be... i hate to say it... the end. or maybe a caesura in the poem that is my life. i've lost my identity and i need it back... there's only one way that i know how to get it back, but it's something i don't want to do.
a normal person would be okay,
but i'm needy and dependent...
and what i NEED is to not have to be that way...
and the only way I can think of achieving this means is eliminating what i am dependent on.
but i don't have the guts or the heart.
i couldn't possibly ever do it.
so i just write about it instead.
i know i'm just angry and attention starved. the moment that he looks at me with his puppy eyes, i'll have no choice but to forgive him...

but i have to say this:
it's too much being mad at him everyday.

and if i think about everything too much, i'm going to start to regret.
i just miss myself...
where did i go?
and will i ever find myself again?

num.1

2007-12-10T09:39:00.000-08:00

Maybe I can find something to do. School is almost over for the winter; there's almost too much anticipation building up. I finished my first exam this morning. So that means I only have three left.
I should probably study for the English exam I have tomorrow, but I probably won't. At least not now.
But other than that, there really isn't much going on. Marin leaves Friday for Mexico. So that leaves me with nothing to do for an entire month. I'm unemployed and looking, but I doubt I'll find anything. Marin tells me I'm terribly pessimistic. And I wonder, when did that start happening?
I guess I'm getting older. My bones creak and my joints are stiff. I think I'm ready to retire.